I don’t want to distract from Nyan Cat (is Nyan Cat bigger than Jesus right now? maybe not but he is bigger than the Beatles and that’s a start) but I just noticed there’s no post on here for this old video I made. It’s been well received on You Tube by reformed nerds.
Fabio Capello in his favoured Black & White 4x3 format
England manager Fabio Capello today insisted that it is High-Definition Television that is largely to blame for England’s untimely dip in form and dismal 0-0 draw against Algeria last night.
“The higher resolution today makes it much harder for the players, every pass has to be pixel perfect – there is no room for error in today’s high-definition game”, the £6million-a-year coach claimed.
It is true that the England football team preferred the now obsolete 4×3 television format and first floundered in the Euro 2000 championships when Widescreen 16:9 became the established standard, England failed to go beyond the group stages in that tournament and have been under-performing since. “We like-a to play narrow with high ball over the top, but-a-the widescreen gives us too much width and it’s too low, too flat” said the stern 64 year old Italian stereotype, “In my playing days it was not so complicated, everything was black & white” .
England striker and Shrek look-a-like Wayne Rooney however disagreed with the manager’s position claiming that the “stunning colours and vivid detail” afforded by HD TV helped him pick out the ball more easily and made him a better player for it, he also asserted that the ability to pause and rewind live TV facilitated tactics “a bit like American football”.
Looking increasingly like a puppet from the Dolmio adverts; Capello went on to claim that the unfortunate introduction of 3D television just in time for the World Cup also didn’t help his players as they didn’t have the 3D glasses for it – so everything looked a bit blurry round the edges.
England face the might of group leaders Slovenia on Wednesday in a must win game, in preparation they are planning to train at a variety of resolutions and screen sizes as they don’t know what television is like in Slovenia.
Kim Jong-Il beats Brazil single-handed
Pyongyang, North Korea: State television announces the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s great 50-0 victory over Brazil in their opening game of the 2010 World Cup.
Fifty goals, 49 of them scored before half-time, were all that separated Brazil from the mighty North Korea in yesterdays match according to Korean Central Television.
The hapless Brazilians, many of them probably American spies, never stood a chance when following a goalless opening five minutes the North Koreans bought on their star substitute – none other than the supreme Dear Leader and worlds most respected man Kim Jong-Il himself.
Dateline: London.
By our Royal Correspondent, Dave Forelock-Tug.
The 18th Century yesterday
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and these are certainly desperate times.
With the country in the grip of the worst recession for 40 years, household names going to the wall and record numbers of house possessions and redundancies, we certainly need the government to pull that elusive rabbit out of the hat.
Against a background of inner city knife crime, get rich quick fat-cat bankers and declining moral and educational standards we need them to come up with the golden bullet, the panacea which would cure all our ills; and, following today’s unexpected and groundbreaking announcement, many believe that they may have actually managed to do it.
A Sickening image
Every one of us shares 98% of our DNA with Chimpanzee’s and 99% with all other human beings, the former get a nice enclosure at a zoo with a tyre swing, the latter are sometimes treated almost as well.
But what if a living thing had 50% of your DNA? What then? What if I told you that their fate would be to have their skins torn from their tender bodies to then be eaten alive by humans and Chimpanzee’s alike? Sickening isn’t it? Well that’s just what Channel 4 news broadcaster Jon Snow (61) thinks, and his outrage has spurred him into the launch of a human rights for Banana’s campaign today.
We at this Blog are supporting this worthy campaign and ask all of our readers to spare a thought for Banana’s by eating, I dunno, Crisps or Chocolate instead.
Worried? Confused? Unsure what to say or do?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Saying and doing the right thing can be nigh on impossible in a world where old values are eroding and new ones seem to be formed every day. Help is at hand. Simply send your problem or concern to Dave and let him help you to thread your way through the confusing and perplexing world of “Modern Manners”.
Scorpio
With the arrival of sexy Mars in your love chart today, you’ll be keen to embark on some long overdue shoe shopping, but fickle fate dictates that you will end the day banged up by the filth on some trumped up Dogging charge.
Your lucky number : Pi
Libra
Cash matters receive a boost today when you are selected for a series of illegal and secret, but lucrative, medical experiments. Keep your hand on your halfpenny and all will turn out well.
Your lucky name: Trevor
Aquarius
Discovering that a disgruntled ex lover has maliciously infected you with Bird Flu will mean a slow start to the morning; but remember, things could be a whole lot worse. Although, to be perfectly frank with you, I’d be pushed to say how they could be much worse. Exactly.
Your lucky involuntary bodily function: Pulmonary ventilation.
Sagittarius
Keeping your cards close to your chest today will be both the wise thing to do and the wise thing to do. In fact, wisely keeping your cards close to your chest is strongly advised today.
Your lucky geological feature: Drumlins.
Virgo
Your wife will unexpectedly leave you this afternoon. After 15 years of marriage. For that new bloke that started work at her office a while ago. You know, the one that she used to talk about all the time? The one who was so funny and interesting and sooooo good at his job? Then, about two months ago, she stopped mentioning him altogether and always got a bit evasive when you asked about him? Well, him. Bastard! Fifteen years! Bitch!
Your lucky Judo move: Ashi Guruma
Capricorn
Joining that band seems like the fun thing to do, but beware. The long slow spiral into drink and drug addiction will surely follow and lead eventually to you blowing your brains out, alone and unloved, in a seedy hotel room.
Your lucky unguent: Topological cream.
Security firm G4S’ vision for Heavens new pearly gates
In an announcement that rocked global financial markets today the Kingdom of Heaven has revealed it is to outsource much of its operation to the private sector. Numerous invitations to tender have been sent across industry with perimeter security and IT modernisation high on the eternal realms wish list.
Still from seized video of Osama bin Laden in the diary room
23 October 2008
Hertfordshire, England – Cleaning staff were astonished yesterday to discover a man thought to be Osama bin Laden hiding in Channel 4’s Big Brother house.
The team were conducting a routine clean of the house that was last occupied in early September when the ninth series of the popular reality TV show concluded; when they heard the sound of someone muttering in Arabic coming from the famed diary room.
The Chuckle Brothers on deployment in Iraq
Al Basrah, Iraq – Inspired by the success of the award winning series Ross Kemp in Afghanistan Sky One today admitted the commissioning of a new series Chuckle Brothers in Iraq.
The series follows the exploits of Yorkshire-born Barry and Paul Elliot, better known as the “Chuckle Brothers”; the children’s television favourites of BBC’s Chuckle vision as they join the 2nd Battalion ‘The Poachers’ of The Royal Anglian Regiment on their deployment with the 7th Armoured Division in the Southern Al Basrah province of Iraq.