Bargain I spotted at Sainsburys Supermarket – 3 for £4 or 95p each? I’m not very good at maths but I know a bargain when I see one.
I was on this show!
We filmed it on 9th May 1979 at Southern Studios (I remember the exact date), it was shown on television either later 1979 or early 1980. I still have the Yellow Run-around T-shirt!
How the magic happens – an insight into the workings of a late 1970′s children’s TV show:
Read on to find out why I hate Mike Reid and how he destroyed my life!
Apocrypha and Erratum™ present the radical and cutting edge self improvement aide for the New Millennium …. Homeo-Didact ™
In the words of William Shakespeare there is “So much to learn, so little time…” but in today’s 24/7 world with our busy lifestyles there is less time than ever before!
Which is why you need to learn new skills anytime, anywhere and with no effort on your part …whatsoever!
- Whether revising for that all important exam;
- Aiming for that promotion that you so richly deserve;
- Or simply looking to improve your word power.
Use Homeo-Didact ™ and you can learn while you drink.
But how?
Well, as we know, many scientists agree that water is capable of retaining a “memory” of substances once dissolved in it to arbitrary dilution, and that shaking the water at each stage of a serial dilution will ensure that the putative therapeutic effect will occur. Indeed such is the proven power of the Science of HOMEOPATHY that startling results will be achieved despite not even a single molecule of the original substance remaining in the final preparation.
But how exactly does it work?
OK. Here comes the science bit
We have built up the world’s largest stock of homeopathic learning memory water.
Water, which we can guarantee does not contain a single molecule of the original works of James Joyce, Einstein, or the concise English Dictionary. In fact we can state quite categorically that it will contain not a single molecule of any major work ever produced.
Its purity, and therfore it’s efficacy, is guaranteed.
Simply drink the preparation and in no time at all you will be amazing your friends with the absolute confidence with which you speak on … any topic under the Sun.
But remember, stocks are limited and time is running out. So to avoid disappointment …
Order now, and order a lot!!
What People have said about Homeo-Didact ™?
“…… I find the entire concept to be totally unbelievable”, Stephen Fry
“…. Surely this can’t be true…”, Richard Dawkins.
“ ……… well, this has to be an absolute crock …. Of gold…..”, P.W. Botha
Remember order Homeo-Didact ™ today and drink you way to success.
….Possibly.
Don’t know where this originated, but I hope it’s real. It’s well worth a read.
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Funny or Not? You decide......
Well, having read The WhiPPet’s epistle on the subject of change (see here), I felt moved (Yes, “Moved”, d’you hear?) to put pen to paper (OK, finger to keyboard) and write something of my own. Here it is.
Craberet
“No use in sitting alone in your room, come hear the music play”.
“Not only is this probably the best offer you’ve had all day, it’s probably the best offer you’ll have any day, especially when it comes from one of the most wonderful creations ever of award winning Prawnaments TM sculptress, Persephone Clamp”, writes ceramic novelty connoisseur and ex “That’s Life” anchor Esther Rantzen*.
It’s a big “Wilkommen, Bienvenu, Welcome” from Crabaret TM, as this uber-talented crustacean dance troupe welcome you to your very own fireside Command Performance.
Their twinkling toes and mischievous grins will send these happy little critters winging from their sea bed dance floor home into your living room ……. and your heart.
So “don’t stop them now, they’re having such a good time, they’re having a ball”**….as will you, as soon as you make your initial payment of only £95.99 down and 95 further payments of £95, and take receipt of your own personal Crabaret TM performance.
Twinkling toes!
Dancing feet!
Clapping hands!
And, it has to be said, cold, eyes.
Cold, dead eyes.
The kind of eyes that look right through you as if you aren’t really there.
As if you’re worthless.
What kind of coolly malevolent mind lives behind eyes like that? Perhaps we’ll never know.
Perhaps it’s better that way.
Christ, those eyes.
They really shit me up, you know?
*Shudder*
*No relation
** Actually, that’s Queen, not Cabaret, I mean Crabaret TM
“Prawnaments”TM brings you “First Kiss”
Prawnament
A boy. A girl. A secluded spot. What could be a more appropriate location for a “First Kiss”?
This timeless and universal moment has been masterfully captured as a ceramic modern classic by award winning Prawaments artist, Persephone Clamp, and is now available for you to buy at only £95.99 down and 95 further payments of £95.99.
This limited edition* shows Persephone at the peak of her craft, beautifully capturing this seminal moment in life’s great mystery; the graceful bend of an elbow, the soft fold of fabric, the flush of colour on a young girl’s cheek as she shyly offers up her lips to her lover’s ardent kiss.
Is the light in her eyes that of love mixed with a moments fear, or something else? Something only she could explain?
To be perfectly honest with you, it’s hard to tell, what with them being so cold, black and dead. They’re without soul or pity, those eyes.
My God they’re cold.
What horrors might they have witnessed in their crepuscular, crustacean kingdom? What unspeakable acts may they have coolly watched themselves commit? We’ll never know for sure, but with eyes like that, anything would be possible.
Anything.
God, they’re cold.
God, they disgust me.
God, I fear them.
*Shudder*
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
Oysters’ balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8 )
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8 )
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny
(Julie age 7)
Catch it, Bin it, KILL IT!
British Prime-Minister Gordon Brown’s advice to tackle Swine Flu: “Catch it, Bin it, Kill it”…then wash your hands.
So presumably we should go out and catch a wild Pig (catch it), then hump it up onto our shoulders and sling it in our wheelie bins (bin it), then kill it! … only without knives or guns ’cause we can’t have them; so I’ll have to make do with a hammer – or a sock with a snooker ball in.
Oh and then we need to wash our hands.
Well if that’s what it takes, I’m prepared to give it a go, I’m just glad it’s not Horse Flu.
Heard my first Swine Flu joke the other day; something about phoning the national help-line – only not being able to get through – ’cause there was “Crackling on the line”: get it? Pork Crackling?
We’re doomed!
Anyway, here’s what Some Grey Bloke (that’s some grey bloke – not some gay bloke) has to say on the subject: